Don't insult me, my disabilities are REAL.

7 days into 2019 and it's already a fucking headache.

Do any of you realize what it takes to FUNCTION as a person with depression, anxiety, and ptsd? It takes a lot just to MOVE, get out of bed, hold my head up, breath, not panic, not twist my words, make a simple decision.... and so much more.

Yet here is 2019, government shut down has me in PANIC mode because I am scared it will effect my ssi and food stamps.

Yes, I am disabled. Yes I am on government programs. NO I can't work. No I can't do things NORMAL people do. STOP EMAILING ME OR MESSAGING ME telling me to go to work, get off the handouts, etc... I have a stent in the main artery of my HEART that will NOT allow me to pick up over 15lbs. I have asthma. I have all those mental disorders I previously listed. I have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, hyperthyroidism, and so much more I don't wish to discuss because FRANKLY it's NO ONE'S DAMN BUSINESS BUT MY OWN. Telling me to get off my ass and SUCK IT UP or GET OVER IT is a damn insult.

Do you think I want to be like this?

Who in their right mind would WANT to be disabled? Who would want that label? NO ONE?!?! I don't want to have had a heart attack at 34. I don't want asthma since birth. I don't want all the birth defects and illnesses caused by my father's service to this country in Vietnam. I DON'T WANT IT.

But it's mine.

My burden to bear.

I do the BEST I can with what I have.

HOW DARE ANYONE JUDGE ME OTHERWISE!

How dare any mother fucker pass judgement on me when there are people out there doing worse things than I am to get what they want? I have legitimate claims to my government "handouts". Some don't. Some LIE. I don't.

Ok, I've said my peace on that much.

When I say it takes a lot for me to function in the day... I mean it. It's hard when you have mental disabilities that hinder you almost helpless sometimes. I worry about everything. EVERYTHING. Sometimes the comfort of my little space in bed is all I have that reassures me... and sometimes even that doesn't work.

Let me give you an example.

Last night I went to get a shower. I prepared myself. I got the underwear, nightgown, and all my stuff to get into the shower so I wouldn't have to rush or anything. Lo and behold, I go to get into the shower, the damn shower curtain falls. Dooms is asleep and I don't want to wake him because that's the whole point in me prepping and doing things, so I don't have to rely on him. So down comes that fucking curtain. I am TOO SHORT to put it back up. Fuck. I try for 30 minutes only to fail repeatedly and give up crying my eyes out the entire time because I was born TOO SHORT to do most things. My bathroom is VERY tiny so there is limited space in there. Sadly, the garbage can was in there too because the cats will turn it over if it is out of the bathroom. Also a huge dirty clothes hamper is sitting in the tub because we live in a small apartment with limited space. I was so fucking flustered by the end of the ordeal with the shower curtain, I half ass put it up and proceeded to get a shower. My shower fills up fast into the tub making it like a damn swimming pool which flusters me.... and halfway through the shower the hot water is gone. I am a crying fucking mess... and the whole point of the shower was to make me feel better since I was completely done feeling like a mess... so mission was a failure all over. I come out to a Dooms who had been woken up by the cats (thanks guys) and he sees me a total mess. Not to mention that once out of the bathroom and due to my "mess" I had a MAJOR asthma attack, my heart was racing, and I felt like I wanted to die.

Point is... that's my life. Daily.

So don't judge a person until you walk a fucking mile in my shoes.