Set myself on fire

I had a bad day today.

I set myself on 🔥 fire again.

I felt like no matter what I do I fail.

I felt like I was a completely useless waste of space.

I felt like nothing I do ever goes right.

I said it would be better if I just died.

I beat myself up really good today.

And it hurt.

I try not to do this. I try hard to get better, do better, be better. I feel like for every positive step forward I make, I slide backwards 5 or 6 more. 

I have tried to love myself more... But sometimes it is hard to see anything but the failures and the fuck ups.

I really took a beating today ... I cried so hard. I stressed myself, my heart, my body out. 

Maybe it's good I did this before I turn 45 this October (27th). Maybe I needed to crash and burn a little. 

❤️‍🔥

It's just like a Scorpio to do this to themselves. When a Scorpio needs to evolve we burst into flames and resurrect ourself from the ashes, Phoenix mode, this is the higher plane of existence for a Scorpio.

It hurts like a bitch, I won't lie. You'd think I'd have gotten used to this after doing it for 44 years. It doesn't get easier. The flames get hotter, there are more of them, and the time it takes to burn then resurrect is excruciatingly painful.

Yet this is what I go through everytime. 

I hurt myself a lot with self doubt, self hatred... With the journey I've had through life it's a wonder I can think of anything positive about myself. I try though. I try to better myself everyday. Then you get days like this one where the fires consume you.

Alright little Phoenix. Let's try this again...

🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

I set myself on fire again today 

Just to watch myself as I burn 

I let the flame of self hate rise 

And then my soul to ashes turn 

I hear echos of laughter throughout time 

My past selves laugh at my self disgusting crime

I can still feel the heat as I rise from the ash 

I can feel my body badly bruised from the clash.

I can hear the spiteful words my poison tongue injected 

I can feel the self love slip away that my body rejected

My wrath know no bounds when it comes to hating 

When it comes to myself, my mouth loves degrading

I always have to pick up the pieces of my heart I destroy 

As much as I try to love who I am, I find no joy

Damage is too much and almost annihilates my soul 

Digging myself a grave from a already deep dug hole

Don't know why when it comes to me I turn so cold 

Everytime this happens, evil Martha gets more bold 

Guess this unyielding curse is my lot in life 

To cut myself down with words like a knife.

I wish I could stop and just feel self love complete 

Too much to ask from one who is just a freak.

- Martha Pittman 9/26/22