What did I lack?

Matthew 5:3-12 New International Version

3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit,

    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

4 Blessed are those who mourn,

    for they will be comforted.

5 Blessed are the meek,

    for they will inherit the earth.

6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,

    for they will be filled.

7 Blessed are the merciful,

    for they will be shown mercy.

8 Blessed are the pure in heart,

    for they will see God.

9 Blessed are the peacemakers,

    for they will be called children of God.

10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,

    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

11 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Ok so here's what I've always wondered. After I was taught this which is one of the many I have memorized from the Bible, I memorized it when I was little because I always used it as a blueprint on who to be in this life... be me, be humble, be poor but not poor in love and spirit and kindness. Always be the humble and let people persecute you and insult you turn the other cheek etc because God would reward you in heaven.

Now all my life I tried to follow that blueprint when I was searching for myself in religion. 

Which is what upset me about religion. 

I followed this blueprint yet God found me lacking, wanting, not worthy enough to speak to in any which way shape or form.

Instead he just kept punishing me with even more of these "tests" that are supposed to humble you and make you realize that life is nothing but a series of test he put you through to continuously fail at life and have nothing. 

Why would God do this to somebody who was loving him and trying to obey him? Why would the Lord take everything you wanted you? Your family? Your child?? Your health? Why would he take it all from you? 

This is why I couldn't believe anymore as well I couldn't have faith anymore cuz I didn't see a plan ...

I just saw failure... on mine and his part.

I'm so sorry.